Known

I thought I was going to be famous. If I am truly going to be absolutely honest, I thought I was going to be famous. I thought that my name was the perfect alliteration for a famous person. My entire life I was told that I was talented and deep down inside of me I really truly believed that I was better than everyone else. It is a curse that I fear my parents instilled in us siblings from an early age. I did ballet, and I was the best except I decided to quit. I would have been very successful if I hadn't quit. I am a great singer and could have been successful if I had chosen to be a professional. I am smart and my brain is way beyond average, except traditional schooling just does not fit my personality. I'm just different. For the majority of my life I would walk into a room genuinely thinking that I was way better than everyone else in it and they are SO lucky for that because I am about to show them just how much better I am than them. I aim to dress differently so that people will know immediately that I'm not run of the mill. I walk into rooms waiting for people to love me. Being hyper aware of this disgusting mindset of mine, I tend to swing the pendulum way off to the other side and play it off like I'm shy or do not want any attention. Even in this pretend shyness I am aching to show people that I am so much better because I am not drawing attention to myself. I just wanted to be known. 

And so this has been my life for the last 30 years - Teeter tottering between my super ego and pretend shyness whilst working my way up the influence ladder. Growing up in the evangelical church, I knew that the best position I could find myself in is on the stage with a microphone showing off my talent. Over the course of 15 years I worked my ass up that ladder and found myself, microphone in hand, on stages bigger than my little heart could have ever imagined. I had my face on a billboard along the US longest street. I was only going up and it was only going to get bigger. I was the shit and people knew me. 

It's been 3 years now since I stepped off that ladder on my own volition. I thought it was going to be temporary but my world has been turned upside down since then and now I don't ever know if I could even get close to that ladder ever again. Sometimes I have dreams where I'm on that stage with the lights, the microphone, the reverb, the bass in my chest and I feel like I am floating as notes soar out from my lungs. The synergy of leading a band and in turn leading a room of hundreds, thousands of people in song could make me cry. I miss it. I grieve over it.

These days I live a quiet, soft, small life in my home with my family. I shut the world out and gave up every influence that I ever worked for in my life. I have always wanted to be known. I wanted your mother and grandmother to know me. I wanted you to be impressed with me. But these days I can count with my fingers the amount of people who really know me. Every single day I still fight the urge to earn their attention, but these people need no convincing. They have seen me off the stage, no microphone, no reverb, no lights. They have seen me in my regular clothes and no make up and they just want to know me. Like, really know me. They ask me about my week with genuine concern not just for politeness. They are not scared of me. They know me.