2024 Elections

 Donald Trump got elected to be the new President over Kamala Harris. This is the second time I've gotten to vote as an American citizen. The first time, in 2020, Joe Biden obviously won. 2020 was insane. I became an American citizen. George Floyd was murdered. The entire world was rising up. I felt like I was gaining a voice finally after so many years. Donald Trump hates people like me. A queer woman. An Immigrant. When I woke up on November 6 this year and found out that America had voted him to be in office again, I wasn't as shocked as I should have been. Truthfully, I wasn't very hopeful coming into the elections. But still I am so sad, disappointed, and confused. He won by a landslide, which means that people that I know and love also voted for him. Does this mean that those people also hate me for being a queer woman immigrant? On character alone I don't understand how he was even allowed to run. Doesn't the Bible teach about how the leaders should have good character? I'm sad. I'm scared. What's going to happen now? I'm scared that the micro aggressions against people of color won't be so micro anymore. I'm scared that people I know and love might get deported. At the extreme I'm scared that even though I am a legal citizen that I would get deported, or incarcerated like they did with the Japanese internment camps. I am depressed. I deleted social media and I have no motivation to work. I feel useless. I feel tiny. I feel hopeless that I can never make a difference. 

Last night as I was struggling to fall asleep, a thought popped up into my head. 

"If I die, and my renown is that I loved the people around me well, then I would be content." 

I have been struggling recently with the dream that I had for most of my life about being famous. I really thought I was going to be famous. Either I was going to be a famous musician, artist, or influencer. I thought that I was going to make a difference because I was famous. I wasn't trying to be famous, but I just knew that fame was for me and was going to find me. In the last two years since I left the church I've lost a lot of influence that I used to have. I've even made my social media private, which is something I thought I could never do because, "how would I ever go viral?" I have very little influence now, only over my immediate family and few close friends and in a way I feel like I'm starting over. I feel a bit lost in my purpose. I sell clothes now, that's cool. But I'm not the best at it. I like being the best at things. I joined a choir, I auditioned for the solo and I didn't get it. I don't enjoy feeling tiny, like the background. My whole life I felt like I fought and worked so hard to rise above the average so I could get noticed. I was never famous, but I did have a billboard on Colfax Ave. But I don't want a billboard on Colfax I really just wish that my measly vote wasn't so measly. 

I'm not getting any younger, and the prospects for fame are not quite so high as they once were. The election results made me feel like I could never make a dent in history even if I tried. It made me scared for people like me. I know that I've made my world smaller by the decisions I've made. I chose this life. This small, quiet life of mine doesn't feel like it could ever make a difference but I'm going to at least try to love the people around me so that even though the big scary world out there doesn't like us very much because of its appointed leaders, at least they can feel loved when they're around me.