Fuck Shame

 I did it. 

I shared the story of how I left church and how I was treated. It's really just a tiny sliver of what happened. I left so much out so the meat of the story wouldn't get lost. Immediately after sharing it on social media I was terrified of the backlash I was going to get. I was tempted to turn the comments off. I knew I was going to get people who will offer advice, books, sermons recommendations, prayers... and those annoy me the most. Most people thanked me for sharing and a lot of people related to what I said. Some people actually took the time to send me a private message. One person actually scheduled a time to meet and to talk about it. 

Pretty sure that pastor and I have blocked each other on social media but a lot of people who go to that church still follow me and even commented on my post. I don't doubt that it will reach him. There was a fear in me that he would somehow message me, cuss me out, or completely gaslight me. He has a really fantastic way of using his words to twist the truth. It's wild how even though I haven't even interacted with him in months, that fear still lingers in me, that it somehow still has a hold on me and tries to control what I feel. I feel like I am bracing myself for some backlash but I truly haven't gotten any. I'm afraid of what's not being told to me and I am making up stories of my own. I am afraid of what other people are saying about me behind my back. Which usually never bothers me. 

But through this so many people have come out of the past to share their support and love. I didn't realise how many people needed me to put language to their similar experiences. I hope it makes others think. the ones who are completely convinced and sold out. I hope it makes people ask questions. I am open to having conversations with people but somewhat afraid of people wanting to "win me back." 

Last night we attended a church service, my husband still likes going so I go with him. We've been going to a church that's bigger and easier for me to hide which is what I really need. I used to put so much pressure on myself to have a meaningful church service, but it feels refreshing to just acknowledge that most church services are boring and that's ok. The times I feel most fulfilled is when I'm around people I love and love me and we connect with one another. I don't want to look back at my time as an active Church goer as a waste. Sometimes, a lot of the things I used to do and say makes me cringe now. So much Evangelicalese lingo. She feels like a totally different person. Perhaps brainwashed, even. I never want to go back to her. I have no desire to ever be like her again. Last night was the first time that I felt this release that, yes, I do not have to go back to her because going back to her is not the goal. It never was. 

In my faith journey, I compare my seasons often to one another. Whether this one season I was more "on fire" than this current one. Where my quiet times were just so much more meaningful and this season is "dry". I used to always want to keep getting back to the past seasons where I felt like I was a better performing Christian student. But that's not the point and it never has been the point. Christians will quote Psalm 1 and say, "We are in the world but not of the world." and use it as an excuse to be fucking weird humans and treat non-Christians as less than. Whenever I look back at the me who performed really well, I get so tired. She tried SO HARD. She thought that if she just worked hard enough, one day it will come naturally and now years later, I did not form the habits I thought I would. I failed I guess. Shame. So much shame. But that's not how it's supposed to be. I still have access to Jesus no matter how long it's been since I opened my Bible. That's the cool thing about him. Whenever I question the Bible, he's cool with that. Whenever I'm pissed at the Church and Christianity and I cuss and I read my horoscope, he's cool with that. I hang out at gay bars with my gay friends, he's cool with that. I like to think he's right there singing karaoke with us and having fun too. That's the Jesus I know. 

Fuck shame.