Mas Radikal Ang Mag Mahal

Here we are. 7 days to go before the biggest day of my life. I'm getting married to my best friend. All my dreams are coming true. It's fucking whack. I have a house. I have a dog. I am loved. I am safe. I am provided for. I have never felt this secure in my life and I AM TERRIFIED. Terrified that I could lose it all in a blink of an eye. Terrified of hurting and being hurt. Pain is all I've ever been familiar with. Waiting for the ball to drop seems to be my perpetual state of being. It's exhausting. I am happy? I am grateful beyond all explanation. I cannot believe this is all happening to me. 

This engagement season has been trying and painful. In a matter of 9 months I got a new job, bought a house, left a church community, had to learn how to budget my finances with another person, quit a job, mental breakdown, now the wedding week. I feel the constant fight between knowing what a hot mess I am but also pausing and being grateful for everything that's happening. 

I am so terrified of losing this all. I know that none of these things is my identity oh but I would much rather have them lose me than I lose them. 

"Mas radikal ang magmahal" - Leni Robredo, Philippine Vice President 2021

"It's more radical to love." 

It's kind of a crazy thing to want something so much. To pray and wait so long for something that when it finally comes you're so terrified that you might break it so you don't know what to do with it. It's like saving all that money for my favorite pair of sneakers but never wearing it because I'm afraid of ruining them. Absolutely pointless. 

I want to enjoy this love. Getting married, being vulnerable, sharing my life with someone might just be the scariest, bravest, and most radical thing I've ever done. I'm ready. I'm terrified. This engagement season has not been easy but it's only brought us closer. It's pretty awesome how adversity can either bring people closer or tear them apart. 

It's true what they say, love is not a feeling, it's a choice. I'm choosing to be radical. I'm choosing to love. My partner. Myself. My life. My family.