My Dear Acquaintance, Happy New Year

 It's December 30th 2021 8:35pm we entered this year with such hope. A vaccine! I finally got to spend time with friends I hadn't seen in over a year. New hope. 

Tonight Andrew and I are in bed sick with a stomach bug. My second one of the year, and his second illness in a month. January 1st never feels anything special to me. As a kid I felt so much pressure to do something on New Year's Eve. To tie a pretty ribbon on the past year, romanticize it, and put it in storage so I have room to ring in this brand new year. I needed a boy to kiss on midnight, I wanted to wear a sparkly dress, see fireworks and clink champagne bottles. I may have a boy to kiss this year but we will be asleep in our respective homes asleep by 10pm. I will be in not cute pajamas, my dog hates fireworks, and I am allergic to alcohol. Then I have to be up by 7am on the first day of the new year doing what I've been doing the other days of the year - working. 

Although I definitely could write a whole essay on 2021, it;'s been a hell of a year. We thought it was going to be so much better than 2020 but it's been just us getting used to new variants and new CDC guidelines every few weeks. We're not shocked anymore, aren't we? Fire in the ocean? More murders of innocent black people? Rich people getting richer and poor people getting poorer. 

This year I tried to avoid it all for the sake of my mental health. I know I can't fix it, even though I really want to. Instead I really dove deep into my self healing and wellbeing. This year I started dating someone who I'm madly in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with - and someone that I want to be healthy for because I'm in it for the long haul. I faced the lies and the truths I've been avoiding for so long and unearthing deep trauma that caused a lot of grief and pain.  I do feel like I've gotten a handle on my mental illness way better this year, accepting it, but also not letting it control me. I've learned that childhood trauma is not normal, and that there is healing in facing trauma, and with healing there is redemption and hope. 

I'm getting married next year, a dream I've had for a very long time and for a moment thought it wasn't for me until Andrew came around. Things are going to change even more drastically yet I feel quite anchored and ready for what it will bring. Perhaps these past 2 years of tumult have only prepare me for what's about to come. I really do feel the healthiest and happiest I've ever been. And I hope I say that again every end of the year until I die. I hope to never stop pursuing the healthier and happier version of myself. 

To be honest 2020 and 2021 mesh together as one big dumpster fire for me but 2021 has brought lots of good things. Tension creates beauty. Conflict creates stronger bonds. I'm terribly excited for 2022.

Lydia Ruth Photo 2021