The Big Brown Box

 I don't want to look back but I know I need to in order to move forward the right way. I don't want to write it all down but I know it's for my benefit. 

A big brown box is a whole world of its own when you're small enough to fit in it. It sat in front of their house and three kids, 2 boys around 5 & 6 years old and a little girl of 3, get inside to play. It was their clubhouse, away from everyone and the exclusivity made it feel so special. The Philippine heat doesn't make it all that pleasant inside the big brown box. The oldest boy talks about their body parts that they use to go pee and at 3 years old the little girl doesn't understand what's happening but she shows him hers and he shows his while the 5 year old boy sat and looked quietly. The next day she wanted to go back into the clubhouse but her 5 year old brother didn't want to. 

Perhaps he knew and understood what happened and was trying to protect her from it ever happening again. She didn't understand it at all but she remembers it starting to hurt to go pee and when her mother asks her if anyone's touched her there she tells her. She doesn't remember what happens next except that they didn't get to play in the clubhouse ever again after that. 

Their household wasn't the best house to grow up in as a 3 and 5 year old. Not that she remembered ever living with him, but suddenly her father wasn't coming home anymore and whenever he came over their parents were always fighting. Their older sister, ever so aloof and to herself. She's much older than them and had way more schoolwork so she was busy all the time. Perhaps this is why the little girl was eager to play in that big brown box away from everyone with someone's attention solely on her. Because for once someone noticed her. 

One year later the little girl made another neighbor friend, another little girl, and they would reenact scenes from shows about adults with their boyfriends with their stuffed toys. 

She was alone a lot growing up and spent way too much time daydreaming, watching cable tv unsupervised. She would continue reenacting sex scenes with her toys and later discovered masturbation. Her mind consumed with lustful imaginations. She based her value so much on her body being wanted. 

She refused to go on elevators or any closed spaces. Even if it meant climbing 12 flights of stairs. 

In fifth grade she would doodle what she called a "self portrait" of just a box and some eyes peeking through the lid. She said that was her and that's how she saw herself. 

Left to her own devices for the most part. Where was her family? Did nobody care? Where was everyone who was supposed to protect her? I guess everyone had their own shit to deal with. She was fine.