2020: Moving Forward But Never Forgetting

In January I felt Him invite me to "burn." The prior years had already felt like so much burning, pruning, growing, what did this invitation mean? I remember being vulnerable in a leader's meeting sharing this with people who looked at me like I was crazy. 

In February a prophetic word was given to me with a timeframe. I've never been given a word with a specific timeframe before, 30-60 days they said. 30-60 days something I've been waiting for will finally come to pass. I wanted it to be a spouse so badly. 

In March, COVID-19, quarantine, lockdown. Toilet paper and cleaning supplies shortage. I worked at Target for 3 weeks before deciding to pack my car and drive 21 hours to spend lockdown with my parents. I dyed my hair back to black.

In April I came back to Denver as an essential worker. I couldn't spend time with Jamie on her birthday. I visited her on her porch. Church was prerecorded. Getting used to worshiping to a camera in an empty room. It was exhausting. People protesting against wearing masks.

In May George Floyd was murdered by a cop for suspicion of using a counterfeit $20 bill. It was recorded and spread all over the world. It sparked the largest Black Lives Matter movement. Every state protesting and eventually the whole world. I attended the protests at least once a week that Spring/Summer. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever encountered. Yet there was so much division and for some reason I found myself on the side against the "church." The Conservative Evangelicals not supporting the Black Lives Matter movement, being against masks, and believing conspiracy theories that COVID was manufactured. 

In June I felt myself slipping. Who was this Jesus that these people claimed to love? Because he did not sound or look like the Jesus I knew and loved. Was I believing in the wrong one? Was the one I believed in even real? Suddenly all the things I said I would never waiver on started to crumble. The world was dividing and felt smack dab in the middle of the canyon forming between the loud Conservative Evangelicals and the loud Liberals. I was falling in and I did not know how to get out. 

July was the biggest month. I finally became staff at church, I got my wisdom teeth taken out, I got my US Citizenship, and finally moved into my own apartment. So many great things were happening all the while I was falling in deeper into an existential crisis that I didn't know how to get out of. Isolated and confused I felt like a slave to the days. Wake up, go to work, go home. I felt no satisfaction in anything and I was being swallowed by doubt and the guilt for feeling the doubt. I wanted to quit. I was falling out of love with the church and I was embarrassed to even be associated with it. How could we, a community of people called to literally be known by our LOVE be known by bigotry, racism, homophobia, and hate? I wanted to leave. I got a dog the end of July.

In August I went back to therapy. My dog helped me get out of bed in the morning but his separation anxiety gave me anxiety.  My roommate moved in. I twisted my ankle the day she moved in. I still continued to fight depression and severe anxiety. The days all started to look and feel the same. 

In September the days continued as they were. I don't remember this month all that much but I remember turning in my 2 weeks notice in to my job. The owner was sketchy and after a year and a half of working there I had had enough. 

October was a dream month with only working for church. I decided to deliver food for Door Dash for a few weeks. I spent a lot of time with my dog. Rest was what I needed. I got a job at a new coffee shop and part time nanny.

In November my best friend moved to Denver, I finally got to vote in the shittiest yet most important election yet and I turned 29. The week of elections was strange. I was at work when I found out Biden won.

In December I got into a car accident. I ripped 2 pairs of my favorite pants. I broke my glasses. I broke my phone, and I slipped and fell in the tub. Lucky I had my roommate and best friend to drive me around.