Thriving.

I just finished counting the tips from my tip jar so that I can go deposit it to the bank because after I pay my rent tomorrow I will not have any money to buy groceries. I am twenty eight years old and I find myself in this same financial situation again. I don't even know how I'm going to pay for this month's bills. I really don't have anyone else to blame but myself for getting myself here once again. 

The world feels like it's going to end really soon anyway. The first presidential debate of last night triggered so many anxieties that after 7 minutes I had to turn it off and focus on other things. It feels absolutely useless to invest in my future because the future I'm perceiving is so bleak. I hate being poor. Why did I quit my job? Dear God what is going to happen? 

Some days I feel ok. Some days I don't. I'm a mess. 

I feel controlled by the bills I have to pay for simply existing. I feel controlled by a society divided. I feel controlled by a system that values only the rich. What does it mean to thrive? I want to thrive. However that means in the middle of a divided society, a global pandemic, and living paycheck to paycheck. 

Dear God I just want peace. I want to rest assured that I'm taken care of. I am scared.