Beautiful Filipina

I took an Ancestry test turns out I’m 97% Filipino. I was born and raised in the Philippines until I was 19, so were my parents, and grandparents, and great grandparents as far as I know. When I got my results I was disappointed and I’m embarrassed to say that. I had always assumed I had at least some Spanish blood in me but turns out I was 2% Eastern European (No idea) and 1% Chinese. 

Growing up in the Philippines I was conditioned, whether on purpose or subconsciously to love imported things. Material things, practices, even people that were imported were always the preference. It’s an interesting and stark contrast to the nationalistic and patriotic country I find myself living in now. My country has been colonized by multiple powerful nations from all over the world that the true Filipino culture is a mix of these different nations and it’s beautiful. I grew up in the diverse capital, had plenty of international friends, learned to speak English and Tagalog at the same time and had access to internet and cable television from a young age. I was very much aware of the lifestyle of the Western world and embarrassingly, imitated it, idolized it, and tried to live as unfilipino as I possibly could. I never felt like I quite fit in in the Philippines because moving to the United States was always the dream, and when I finally had the opportunity to move to the US I fit in so well that people never even assume that I’m an immigrant. 

It has been 9 years since I moved to the United States and the last 5 years I’d been living in a state and city that is not very culturally diverse. The first city I lived in for 4 years, I barely saw Asians or other people of color that I would sometimes even forget that I was brown. I wanted to fit in and I assimilated so well, I started speaking and dressing like the people around me. I never forgot where I came from but I would tell people, “I’m from Seattle.” Even though I had only lived there for 2 years and was the State I had moved from. I felt I annoyed people telling them about “In the Philippines…” because not many people were very interested in hearing about my childhood in a third world country so I just didn’t. 

In the last year I moved to a bigger city and have been working towards getting my US Citizenship and I find myself all of a sudden caught in a major wave of nostalgia and longing for the country I grew up in. Memories of how Filipino it was to go to the corner sari sari store to buy chips and drink soda from a plastic bag with a flimsy straw, and how doing the laundry and the dishes really were a pain in the butt. I hated taking the Jeepney and the Tricycle to go to places, I hated the humidity and the heat, I hated how dirty it was, and how the traffic was always horrible. Now I frequent coffee shops to get my drink and snack of choice, I press a couple buttons and I have clean clothes or clean dishes. I hop in my car and I can go anywhere I want, the weather’s nice and traffic isn’t unbearable.

Sometimes I feel so much shame because of how I wanted my life to be like the American movies and TV shows. It’s embarrassing. It’s sad that it’s taken me this long, 28 years of living to really appreciate my culture. I never want to forget it and never want to erase it even though my passport says otherwise. I am filipino, dark hair, dark skin, thick nose, and lips. I pronounce certain words differently, and I didn’t grow up watching the show that you did or listening to the music you did. If I’m going to be honest, I research a lot of American things so I can fit in with you. I’m Filipino, like VERY filipino. I don’t ever want to hide this, I want to celebrate this about me. I want my children to know who they are and where they came from. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity I’ve been given to live in the United States of America, I have been able to do things that I otherwise wouldn't, had I stayed in my country. But I am Filipino through and through no matter how much I deny it and I won’t hide it anymore.

For the first time in YEARS I decided to go back to my natural hair color. This might seem trivial to most people, it's just hair after all. But I've let my hair become such a part of my identity. I've had all the haircuts and hair colors and as I was writing this I felt a deep conviction in how much I use my hair as a cover up for how I have always felt unpretty for being Filipino. I have always used it to be different and to make myself feel special. It's funny that going natural feels the most risky for me but here I am. Filipino through and through, beautiful.