Lean On Me
"Singleness Awareness Day"
Dear God I hate talking about being single. I hate being single. I don't want people to think that I am that bitter single woman who just is SO desperate to be in a relationship. I don't want to be that woman. But if I'm being honest, a lot of times I am that woman. I feel like my whole life I have lived it wanting this one thing, to be married and have my own family. To be loved and to love. I grew up in the church and I have read the books, listened to all the sermons and have had all the panel discussions about singleness but I just want to be completely and painfully honest for one sec about this.
Being single sucks. Dating sucks. Being single while all your friends get engaged and get married sucks. Going to a wedding alone sucks. It just plainly sucks. I get jealous. I get envious. I get mad sometimes because it makes me feel like, I have just simply not made it yet therefore I don't get the "prize." It sucks that I'm 28 and I have had one serious relationship and I am nowhere near getting married. It sucks. I'm mad.
I went to a friend's wedding a week ago. I really am not the biggest fan of weddings. I even worked in the wedding industry for a year, and as much as I learned a lot, it only really solidified how much I just don't like them. I went alone. I knew people there but they of course were all with their significant others. Going a wedding alone is the absolute saddest thing in the world. Walking in alone, standing alone trying to figure out where to sit. You get seated at a "singles" table and couples dances... THEY LITERALLY ALIENATE SINGLE PEOPLE. We are all standing around the dance floor while all the married people dance together and we are not allowed to dance. While I know weddings are not about me and while I am happy for the couple, I just could not help but feel so insignificant and so unimportant for being single. I drove home that night angry at God. Screaming, crying and complaining to God about why I'm still single.
I get into these fights with him often. I get angry and say, "God, you only want to keep me single so that you can keep using me." This is so real right now I can't even make it up. It sounds so ridiculous but it's true, sometimes I feel this way even though I know I asked for this. I love doing what I do for the Lord and I never ever want to stop being used by Him but sometimes I compare myself so much to other people and it just hurts and I just don't want to do this alone anymore.
One of my biggest fears is that I wasn't made to be married, that I was destined for singleness. I know the right things to think and believe but it's so hard sometimes. I know that the husband is not the prize. I don't want to see God as the means to the end because my reward is Jesus. I want to be ok if it's just me and Him, I really do. But also I know the Bible said to ask. For a long time I never wanted to ask because I always heard women say that "It happened when I didn't expect it to happen anymore." So I pretended that I didn't want it like I could fool God or something? I still believe He put this desire in my heart so I ask for it. I know it's not the prize. I know it's not the reward but I ask for it and because he is a good Father I have faith that it will happen. Except that night last week I was sad and jealous and I didn't know if it was ever going to happen for me.
When I turned 27 I heard God ask me, "If we were alone for another year would you be ok?" I felt almost offended that he would ask me this question because he knows that this is the biggest dream of my heart! I dismissed it until a few months later he reminded me of it again but this time I heard it in a different tone.
"If we were alone for another year, would you be ok?" It was an invitation and not a test. It was an invitation to more intimacy with him and it was a sweet one.
I mentioned this back to him on my emotional car ride home from the wedding. "What now God? We did that year alone, is he even coming? Do you even have someone for me?"
"I want you to learn to lean on me so that when he comes, you're not leaning on them."
This past year has been all about learning to love myself as He has made me. Learning how to be a complete person on my own. I am still learning and still discovering, but these words straight from His heart pierced mine and shot hope into my broken heart immediately.
*HOPE - joyful anticipation for satisfaction
It's scary to hope because there is the risk of disappointment. But my hope is not on some THING, my hope is alive. It's a person and he never disappoints. So to conclude this unnecessarily rambly entry, being single sucks but I have hope that the one who is writing my story knows what He's doing. That there is nothing wrong with me, I am already fully known and loved even through this sucky singleness. I am important and significant in my unmarriedness and being married does not add to that. That is all.
Dear God I hate talking about being single. I hate being single. I don't want people to think that I am that bitter single woman who just is SO desperate to be in a relationship. I don't want to be that woman. But if I'm being honest, a lot of times I am that woman. I feel like my whole life I have lived it wanting this one thing, to be married and have my own family. To be loved and to love. I grew up in the church and I have read the books, listened to all the sermons and have had all the panel discussions about singleness but I just want to be completely and painfully honest for one sec about this.
Being single sucks. Dating sucks. Being single while all your friends get engaged and get married sucks. Going to a wedding alone sucks. It just plainly sucks. I get jealous. I get envious. I get mad sometimes because it makes me feel like, I have just simply not made it yet therefore I don't get the "prize." It sucks that I'm 28 and I have had one serious relationship and I am nowhere near getting married. It sucks. I'm mad.
I went to a friend's wedding a week ago. I really am not the biggest fan of weddings. I even worked in the wedding industry for a year, and as much as I learned a lot, it only really solidified how much I just don't like them. I went alone. I knew people there but they of course were all with their significant others. Going a wedding alone is the absolute saddest thing in the world. Walking in alone, standing alone trying to figure out where to sit. You get seated at a "singles" table and couples dances... THEY LITERALLY ALIENATE SINGLE PEOPLE. We are all standing around the dance floor while all the married people dance together and we are not allowed to dance. While I know weddings are not about me and while I am happy for the couple, I just could not help but feel so insignificant and so unimportant for being single. I drove home that night angry at God. Screaming, crying and complaining to God about why I'm still single.
I get into these fights with him often. I get angry and say, "God, you only want to keep me single so that you can keep using me." This is so real right now I can't even make it up. It sounds so ridiculous but it's true, sometimes I feel this way even though I know I asked for this. I love doing what I do for the Lord and I never ever want to stop being used by Him but sometimes I compare myself so much to other people and it just hurts and I just don't want to do this alone anymore.
One of my biggest fears is that I wasn't made to be married, that I was destined for singleness. I know the right things to think and believe but it's so hard sometimes. I know that the husband is not the prize. I don't want to see God as the means to the end because my reward is Jesus. I want to be ok if it's just me and Him, I really do. But also I know the Bible said to ask. For a long time I never wanted to ask because I always heard women say that "It happened when I didn't expect it to happen anymore." So I pretended that I didn't want it like I could fool God or something? I still believe He put this desire in my heart so I ask for it. I know it's not the prize. I know it's not the reward but I ask for it and because he is a good Father I have faith that it will happen. Except that night last week I was sad and jealous and I didn't know if it was ever going to happen for me.
When I turned 27 I heard God ask me, "If we were alone for another year would you be ok?" I felt almost offended that he would ask me this question because he knows that this is the biggest dream of my heart! I dismissed it until a few months later he reminded me of it again but this time I heard it in a different tone.
"If we were alone for another year, would you be ok?" It was an invitation and not a test. It was an invitation to more intimacy with him and it was a sweet one.
I mentioned this back to him on my emotional car ride home from the wedding. "What now God? We did that year alone, is he even coming? Do you even have someone for me?"
"I want you to learn to lean on me so that when he comes, you're not leaning on them."
This past year has been all about learning to love myself as He has made me. Learning how to be a complete person on my own. I am still learning and still discovering, but these words straight from His heart pierced mine and shot hope into my broken heart immediately.
*HOPE - joyful anticipation for satisfaction
It's scary to hope because there is the risk of disappointment. But my hope is not on some THING, my hope is alive. It's a person and he never disappoints. So to conclude this unnecessarily rambly entry, being single sucks but I have hope that the one who is writing my story knows what He's doing. That there is nothing wrong with me, I am already fully known and loved even through this sucky singleness. I am important and significant in my unmarriedness and being married does not add to that. That is all.
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