Opening Up is Two Sided
I want to be understood. But I also like being mysterious. This is something I want to work on more about myself. There is an image I want people to see of me. I want them to think I am smart. If it is a conversation where I feel like I don't know enough about it, I don't say anything. I don't like asking questions for fear of sounding stupid. I will go home and research it later so when the subject comes up again I am ready. I want people to think I'm cool. I spend a lot of time curating what I wear. I don't want to look like everyone else. But I want to look polished and taken seriously. These two things, smart and cool are the top two things I work really hard on and it is deeply problematic that these are the things I find most important.
Since my move out here to Denver I've been challenged to open up more. To be more vulnerable. It's a new city and I need new friends. I've made a couple, but it takes me a long time to open up to people. I recently lost a good friendship to stupid reasons, lack of boundaries, mostly. It was painful, as is any loss of any sort, but I learned a lot. *side note, I think the world these days gives too much importance on romantic relationships but not enough on friendships. Friendships are just as, if not more important.* When I felt the friendship was about to fall apart, I did this thing which I realize I do all the time. I used vulnerability as a weapon. I told this person all the things that plagued me and scared me so that they wouldn't leave. In the end the friendship needed to be cut off because it would have been even more disastrous but because it all blew up in my face, it scared me even more to be vulnerable. If I opened up that time and they still left, then that means that everyone else will leave too. So better stay closed.
Whenever I get hurt or embarrassed like that, all I want to do is hide. All I want to do is withdraw from everyone until I'm ok. Because nobody wants to deal with that, nobody needs to deal with that. So I did, yet what I longed for was for someone to come in and take me out of it. What I needed was people to knock on my door and ask if I was ok. But I never reached out and asked for it because I am "smart" and I am "cool". I shouldn't be getting hurt, I shouldn't let things affect me.
"I don't want to be a liability."
"You are not a liability. But by hiding what you have to give, then you are becoming a liability."
These are words that my Pastor, Spiritual Father, told me and will forever hold on to. Being a part of a new community, as a leader, is terrifying but this is the new community that to be quite honest, I have been praying for for a long time now. Vulnerability is terrifying and I'm still learning but I'm learning that vulnerability is not weakness and that vulnerability is a two sided thing. Vulnerability and opening up allows people to come in and help me heal and grow. And Vulnerability, as I was able to use it (in totally the wrong way) as a weapon, is also my strength. If keep myself hidden and locked up then I am not able to show people what I have to give. Love, kindness, acceptance, creativity, leadership...
Instead of being perceived as smart and cool, I want people to think I'm kind and loving. And not because I want anything back, but because this is truly what people deserve and this is what heaven looks like. I am learning to reach out when I'm feeling sad. I am learning to speak up and also give encouragement to people. I am learning that being kind and loving actually gets me more friends than being smarter than everyone else or cooler than everyone else. I am learning that I need to get rid of this need to look smarter and cooler so that I can give more and let my creativity flow without hindrance of other's perceptions. There is so much inside of me that I want to give and if I stay closed then I am limiting myself I am learning to step up and take initiative because I am more than capable, I am called.
Since my move out here to Denver I've been challenged to open up more. To be more vulnerable. It's a new city and I need new friends. I've made a couple, but it takes me a long time to open up to people. I recently lost a good friendship to stupid reasons, lack of boundaries, mostly. It was painful, as is any loss of any sort, but I learned a lot. *side note, I think the world these days gives too much importance on romantic relationships but not enough on friendships. Friendships are just as, if not more important.* When I felt the friendship was about to fall apart, I did this thing which I realize I do all the time. I used vulnerability as a weapon. I told this person all the things that plagued me and scared me so that they wouldn't leave. In the end the friendship needed to be cut off because it would have been even more disastrous but because it all blew up in my face, it scared me even more to be vulnerable. If I opened up that time and they still left, then that means that everyone else will leave too. So better stay closed.
Whenever I get hurt or embarrassed like that, all I want to do is hide. All I want to do is withdraw from everyone until I'm ok. Because nobody wants to deal with that, nobody needs to deal with that. So I did, yet what I longed for was for someone to come in and take me out of it. What I needed was people to knock on my door and ask if I was ok. But I never reached out and asked for it because I am "smart" and I am "cool". I shouldn't be getting hurt, I shouldn't let things affect me.
"I don't want to be a liability."
"You are not a liability. But by hiding what you have to give, then you are becoming a liability."
These are words that my Pastor, Spiritual Father, told me and will forever hold on to. Being a part of a new community, as a leader, is terrifying but this is the new community that to be quite honest, I have been praying for for a long time now. Vulnerability is terrifying and I'm still learning but I'm learning that vulnerability is not weakness and that vulnerability is a two sided thing. Vulnerability and opening up allows people to come in and help me heal and grow. And Vulnerability, as I was able to use it (in totally the wrong way) as a weapon, is also my strength. If keep myself hidden and locked up then I am not able to show people what I have to give. Love, kindness, acceptance, creativity, leadership...
Instead of being perceived as smart and cool, I want people to think I'm kind and loving. And not because I want anything back, but because this is truly what people deserve and this is what heaven looks like. I am learning to reach out when I'm feeling sad. I am learning to speak up and also give encouragement to people. I am learning that being kind and loving actually gets me more friends than being smarter than everyone else or cooler than everyone else. I am learning that I need to get rid of this need to look smarter and cooler so that I can give more and let my creativity flow without hindrance of other's perceptions. There is so much inside of me that I want to give and if I stay closed then I am limiting myself I am learning to step up and take initiative because I am more than capable, I am called.
"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” - John 13:35
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